Don't It Make You Sad To Know That Life

There's no death that is easy, no death that is okay. From a fish to a human being there is no closure.

My dog Carya died today. She was and will forever remain, my best friend. She was my companion. Whenever something went wrong, she'd come over and nudge her nose into my arm and she make me smile. I still smell her as I am sitting here in my finished basement in which she spent most of her time in. The smell is all the closure I have at this moment. Her 8th birthday was January 31st, we gave her hash and eggs- she loved it so much and savered the moment. That night I went to Wal-Mart because I had to buy her a birthday present, I ended up getting her a bone that she loved and adored.

Freezbe is no longer, the way she'd run after it and catch it. When she caught it I'd clap and pet her- she was extremely excited because she knew she accomplished something. In my eyes she accomplished everything, she made me smile in ways no human could. The way she'd jump onto our trampoline and scooch down when we made her jump in the air, or the times she'd bite the bottom of the trampoline- I can't even begin to tell you how many holes are in it.

I made my dad call the doctor on Friday because she was acting sick. So he did and we got her a Monday appointment. We took her to the groomers and did a "do it yourself" grooming with her so she'd smell good for the doctors. She was such a good girl, sat in there and only shook and got me wet twice. I kissed her and hugged her because she was a bit nervous. Trying to make her stand up on all fours so we could wash underneather her was hard to do, she'd just squat back down and look at us. We got her home and my dad trimmed her, and I held her down as she got the fur on her ears cut. On Monday my dad and me always bring her to the vet together because she is my baby. This time I didn't go. Ray (my dads friend) wanted to visit my Grandma and Grandpa and I had homework to do. My dad returned home on Monday and said that they are going to run a few tests on her. I yelled at him for leaving her there because I never thought staying over night was good enough for my little puppy. The doctor called on Tuesday and said that she is missing white blood cells and that it's because she needed to be neutered. He did this Wednesday (today) morning. Easy enough right? He goes in and does an operation and comes back out because its the most common surgury known to vets. Wrong, they opened her up and was doing the surgury and then when he "clipped" or did whatever he needed to do the blood vessels wouldn't respond. They shocked her, but she didn't come back. Nor will she ever be back again, but she will forever remain in my heart.

The vet called this morning and asked for my Dad, they said they are having complications my mom asked what was wrong. They just said they needed to talk to my dad. My mom called my dad at work, and he called the vet. My dad just told his forman and left work. I heard someone crying, I didn't know who it was, but they ran into my room and I was half asleep.. it was my dad. He came into my room crying hysterically and I knew, I sat there in shock. And screamed...I blamed it on the doctor.. "that bastard" was all I could say. This is only the third time I've ever seen my dad cry.. exp. like this. My sister ran into my room where my dad was sitting on my bed and I told her.. she ran into her room.

Today is the worst day of my life.

She should have lived 4 to 6 more years, but no, she was robbed of her life. I was robbed from the time I had with her. I didn't get to say goodbye- I always told my dad that if he EVER had to put her asleep I didn't want her to be alone I wanted to hold her as the injection went in and I wanted her to be able to look into my eyes and know that I love her.

As lame you all might think this entry is, to me it isn't. She is just like a person to me, and when I said she's my best friend I mean it. I will miss my greetings when comming home from school and I will miss her barking in the morning knowing that I had to let her outside. I love the fact we never had to chain her, she could run free in the yard, and I will miss how every summer I will always treat her to a walk to the river for her to play in and for her. I will miss her "bobbing" for rocks in the river and her baths that we gave her in the river in the summer times. I will miss everything about her, because she was everything and more to me.

I only wish I could have held her, and that I would have went to the Vet on Monday to hug her and kiss her as she stayed over night there. Instead her last two days of her life was spent in an animal hospital. If I knew she was going to die, I would have done so much more to make sure she was okay.

What I am thankful for is the time I had with her, because she was worth all this hurt and pain I am feeling right now. The tears won't stop, and the memories will remain.

Carya? What a name you might say. Carya means "Hickory" and Hickory was my last dogs name. It was basically a tribute. Just a little fact for you to know.

I miss her :-\ It's not fair.

( My Puppy...Collapse )

PS: if there is a REALLY good Icon maker I was wondering if you could make me an icon? :-\

So many things influence me. Everyone has their own perspectives on things. But so many people are just strong forces that I want to look up to. I'd admire them, and want to be them. But I realized that threw life everyone is different. I feel abandoned. Then I realize,everyone has different emotions, strengths, and weaknesses. Some people won't give you acceptance. Some people don't agree on your goals. But you have to find yourself a safe haven. You have to be who you want be and fulfill your life with the duties that you want to accomplish. You have to mold into the person you want to become and prevent from being what some one else wants you to. You have to do what makes you happy. I always think about what the future has in store for me. Then I realize the things I do throughout the day the changes I make are inevitable. I don't want to be haunted by past choices. But a new life is ahead, soon enough and I will walk threw it with uneasiness, and I will have remeberance of the past..

You know what pisses me off more than anything? Our Country- Our Goverment. We take so much of the US money and give it away to other countries and nations when we can't even help our own people. We have people in the streets, people who can't find jobs, and people who are disabled- but instead of helping our own country we will let these people die so we can save people in Africa or China. Yeh, it's nice of us to help other nations, but we shouldn't help them unless our own people are safe.

My dads friend has MS and he has been out of work for 5 years now because it's gotten so bad, hes in his late 40's, and he's been working all his life- but he sadly still has to go to court in order to get Money for his medication that he NEEDs to live. They don't even give him enough money for acupuncture (spelling?) and acupuncture is the only thing that keeps this poor guy alive- he's been a working citizen all his life and he still has to FIGHT for money to LIVE because the govt. just WONT give him money...

So instead lets give it to the people in Africa and China and Russia and all those other places just because they are less fortunate- but we can let our own ppl who've done good to this world - rot in hell.

Arg. PISSED yes i am.

hate the past. Well, a lot of the past I hate. I think it just fucks things up for the future. Something you could do wrong- and mess up your whole entire life.

Life is such a big struggle. My sister works a million hours gets paid about 7 bucks- and she goes out to buy a CD or something and blows 3 hours worth or work. It sucks that people that are rich and shit sit there and complain for hours if some one sews them for money that doesnt even mean something to them. Or people that inherit money like Paris Hilton or people like her, then they go around prancing like their god. It's people like me and you that don't have our "mommy's and daddy's" for our whole life. And they bitch about stupid shit that doesn't even matter cuz its not even there money. Jesus. Rich people can be so conceded. They get money pretty much handed to them, then there's people who work and struggle SO hard to try to get some cash to make it and live another day.

Then theres those people who work for the Christian Fund or wutever the hell it is or THINGS like that- Why help people from different parts of the world when we still have people here in America who are homeless and some people who are in hospitals waiting to die because they dont have enough money to keep themselves alive? They stuggled and stuggle in our own country- and we have to worry about different parts. Like Jesus. ? Is American Dumb?

I see things in black and white lately. There's no such thing as grey. Or different shades or grey, its either black or white.

Yeahhhh I'll rant later..

~Shannie~

I guess I didn't HATE 2003. I mean, it sucked to the extent that I would never really want to relive it. But, it was a decent year. I learned my lesson on a lot of things- and I've gained more knowledge in a lot of other departments.

I guess I saw a side of myself this year that I never knew I had. I gained a TINY bit more of self-esteem. I know how to stand up for myself more, I won't let people bring me down. I am SO far from done with that. I realize that people aren't always what they appear to be. I still think that highschool is a joke, and it always will be. I also learned how to love, not nesscerily myself, but I learned that it's okay to give your heart away to other people. I learned that death is scarey as hell. It's so emotional and depressing. It's awful. Expecially when you look death right in the face, you realize- hell, that could have been me. That could be me. That will be me.

RIP Jesse, Josh, and Chris, Hopefully the new year will bring us more hope. Miss you guys.

New Years Eve I spent with Addie and... were not going to even get into it ;0) lol. Just a little too much. Anyway- Then Addie stayed over- and we hung out for the remainder of today.

It was nice.

Anyway- I hope everyone had a great New Year! I hope that 2004 will bring us more happiness- and hope,

<3 always~shannie

Dudkins, Duddy, Dud, Dudster,




My Dudley passed away today. He's gone. No one loved him like I did, except for my dad. My dad loved Dudley as much as I did. Dudley died a probably around 1 o'clock. Maybe later. My dad told me he missed him already. He said that it was weird that Dudley wasnt making noise in the basement and that he already misses petting him everyday. I miss Dudley too. I miss the way he poked his little head outside his "hiding" part of the cage. The way he would grunt at me when I'd go to pet him. And every time I picked him up out of his cage he would look at me with his little beaty eyes. Aww Dudley... RIP :( I Miss you.



Nov. 27, 2000-Dec. 2, 2003
He was 4 years and 6 days.

Everything i've been dreaming of and encountering just seems completely unreal. I am constantly asking myself if i've entered an alternate universe? Every action or event is emphasized as something completely ridiculous, or overly bombarted with some stupid traditions. I can't comprehend it without questioning if i'm in reality or not. The future is so critical to me and i'm so frustrated because none of it is clear. It seems so close, yet so far away. It makes me even more upset thinking about it. I'm dying to know what is going to happen with myself. Do you ever wonder that? Is it a mutual feeling? Or am I just consistantly worrying over nothing. I seem to take life for granted. There are so many unpredictible things that happen in my life. I am so fortunate to have some people by my side that pull me through everything. But, I don't anymore. I realized all I have is myself. Everyone left me. Im alone. Im cold. What I want is completely unreachable at this point and time. I am obviously doomed because of how impatient I am. I don't believe I am going to get too far. What I love.. is so far away...What i want.. is so undecidable...How i feel... cannot be described with words, it's just something that i tend to feel inside of me. Everything I'm trying to express to people seems to come out as some kind of jibberish and stuttering that just makes me seem like I do not know what i'm talking about.

Just Random thoughts, no one will comment anyway..